Today is a part of my story…
Sooooo……… I can tell by the feedback that you enjoyed the brief stories of Crystal Brown and Stephanie Stephens. I told you they were awesome! They’ve been through so much and still found a way to cleanse their hearts from bitterness and keep their minds right. Bitterness can be a powerful drug and poison, going way further than the reality of a memory or the pain of justice not visited.
I can’t allow this week to go without a mans’ story of mistakes, pain and frustrations. I thought of people whose story I could tell only because I didn’t want to use myself. That last statement was the deciding factor for me. I must tell
My name is Adam Watson. I’m a father of 3. I’m a motivator and a life coach. I’m the CEO of the Watson companies in the activated voice behind wow and MindSetGo. I am both the product of a dual parent home and a bad relationship with my father. I suffered from physical and verbal abuse and the abuse that I suffered is really what turned me to God. The downside of that abuse turning me to God is that I began to trust my life to men and women of God without making decisions on my own. I followed blindly after what people told me to do, allowing them to be the script writers for my life.
I was never really good at relationships. The truth of the matter is that I wanted a relationship with my father so badly that I learned by the 7th grade what was needed in order to get someone’s attention, but not his. Maybe I should say I wanted proper attention from him because the attention I got from him wasn’t healthy for me. I learned how to listen to females by the 7th grade. Let me be clear by saying that I did not learn how to listen to them in order to have a successful friendship or relationship. I learned how to listen to them because listening to them gave them an incentive not to leave me. This would play dangerously into my future ability and desire to meet their need, but would also become a trap for me. Before I became a user of women’s emotions, all I did was listen and listen and listen until I got their heart. That’s what I desperately wanted to win.
That didn’t always work. There were a few females in my life during my teen years who were major to me. One of them left and went back to their home state whenever they were upset with me or couldn’t control me. Another decided at some point that they just wanted somebody who was older. I can remember pleading with them on the phone not to break up with me. I remember them yelling, “No Adam. It’s over!! They hung up the phone. The thing that I feared became a staple of my life.
I wasn’t a bad looking guy (I’m sexy now lol) growing up. The turn in my life began at a young age when I had 2 sexual experiences and then got involved in pornography. An extended family member had a library of porn videos that I found one afternoon and began popping them in the vcr like lifesavers into my mouth. This went on for several years and that gave me experience that no early teen should have. I had been having sexual experiences since I was 8. By the time I was 14, I met a girl who was 18 and about to graduate. She was the first female who was older than me who I consciously made the decision to engage sexually with. I had sex with her on the 4th of July after the fireworks and it changed my life.After that, I always privately wanted older women. After I was dumped for an older man, I decided I only wanted older women. I would flirt with and date older females and then come home and fantasize about them. I found out that I had a gift for writing and began writing erotica. I WAS HORRIBLE AT FIRST! Then I got better- then I got good…and then great! I began using my writings to attract females. I would go up to them in malls and shops and ask them to read my writings. If they smiled a certain smile I was more than halfway there.
Now, you wouldn’t know any of this about me if you knew me from church. Most people thought that because I was in church I was an alright dude but as a teenager I was understandably sexually charged and excited all the time. It was mostly actual sex but sometimes it was fantasized sex. And then I became a musician. That was all she wrote. I was sleeping with all kinds of women: black, white, redbone, puerto rican, mixed, skinny, thick, extra, ghetto, educated, professional, older or just plain old. I would sleep with whoever offered, and I was at the time “pleasantly” surprised at the women who offered. I never realized that my experiences were based on my wounds. Wounded people will take anybody willing to help them scratch deep itches. But we all know how hard it is to scratch deep itches.
I got married twice and both ended in disaster. The first time, we were both broken and neither of us knew it. She cheated on me prior to the marriage and I should have known better, but listening to women pulls out that trait in men that makes us want to fix everything. We can’t. We rarely do, but it doesn’t stop us from wanting to.
Most of you who know my story know the story of my second marriage. I made mistakes in the beginning. I reaped those mistakes in the end in a really, bad way. Since then, I have found myself trying to trust and forgive. MAAAAAN, this has been hard. It is so hard to forgive AND forget. We can’t forget, and the “remembering” many times is so real and deep that you never feel like you have forgiven. Remembering makes it impossible to move on.
I have had many men and women ask me how I do what I do with the scars I have. My kids help me move forward. But I struggle with compounding offenses. It seems one after the other. But I move forward. I am just realizing that there are times God will not allow healing; He will allow wounds to stay open to keep you from healing the wrong way. I am working on an audio entitled, “Healing the wrong way…”
My promise is fueling my progress. I know that there is a reason my heart can’t heal right now and I am ok with that. My joy is that God has allowed me to see so many of my awesome sisters and queens set free understanding their internal greatness and God-designed origins. There is a point where I will heal and be ready for the rest of my life as it relates to relationships and love. But if you are a mother our father, you know that there are moments in life where you just focus on your kids and get through that season before we start looking at the health of your heart again.
Until then, I’m like a doctor in a hospital. I continue to help other people recover until my vacation. As I stated last week, I refuse to be the coach or the individual who speaks of my success and healing from the finish line. Let’s walk together and get our hearts healthy for whatever is coming. It’s going to be great!
Some of you asked me privately about my truth. That’s the most you will get from me until my autobiography. LOL I love you all. Stop trying to force healing. I’ve learned from Crystal, Stephanie and Shanae Brown that healing comes most times, not by miracle, osmosis or positive thinking, but by time. Allow the time for you to heal. I’ll be there alongside you for the ride.